I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
