where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
