I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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