you traded sex for a burrito?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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