My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
