I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
