No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
