Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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