Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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