i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
