last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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