I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
