Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
