So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
