so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
