Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We are all done wearing pants today
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
