i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it hurts more in the daytime
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
