you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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