She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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