I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just blew my weed a kiss
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
