just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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