I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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