i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
