we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
