I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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