So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
