i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
