Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
