i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
