i'm lost and i look like a hooker
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
