The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
