Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize