new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
