please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
