Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
