a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
