I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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