Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
