im six kinds of drunk right now
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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