M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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