Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just found a bag of teeth...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I am naked and annoyed.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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