I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
40s are totally the cure
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
