found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
