dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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