I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
