I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
