can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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