Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
