apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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