all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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