this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
