Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
