can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize