My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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