Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
love makes seman taste better
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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