i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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