last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
