It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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