I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
