Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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