My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
