You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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